


Heartache for a lonely heart

by officialkarkat (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Also I say aspec rights. Aromantic Dirk demi Jake and demi Jane are present in this fic, Calliope also isn't technically seen, Dirkjake is only mentioned offhandedly but it Is in there, F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/officialkarkat
Summary: Jane figures out that maybe she isn't cishet, despite the fact that it should've been obvious.
Relationships: Calliope/Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Heartache for a lonely heart

Your name is Jane Crocker. You have been on Earth C for a couple of months now, and everything seems to be going smoothly for everyone. Or, everyone but you. 

Everyone else already seems to have all of their shit together, hell, even Dirk and Jake, despite how things ended off for them prior, managed to get back together in a relationship that seems much more healthy for them. Roxy’s happily with Calliope, too. 

You know romance isn’t that big of a deal, yet it still feels like you’re missing out. You think it doesn’t help that you haven’t exactly gotten over Jake yet, it’s made your friendship with Dirk more strained. You don’t know exactly why you care so much, but it feels like you have to care at the same time.

Of course, you’re happy for them both, you just feel alone. Like you don’t have anyone there for you. No one who you feel that close to. You used to feel quite close to Roxy, but recently you’ve sort of distanced yourself from her, feeling like she’d much rather be with Calliope than you. 

You’re honestly quite surprised at the turn of events. You wouldn’t have expected any of this to happen just a couple of years ago. Of course you couldn’t have expected Sburb, but even just the little things, like the relationships of those around you. Namely, how your friends all turned out to be LGBT+. Not that that’s a problem, of course it’s not, it’s just that you thought that being LGBT+ was supposed to be niche. You never would’ve expected to have solely LGBT+ friends back in 2012.

You almost feel like you’ve been left out. After all, to your knowledge, you’re cisgender and heterosexual, and you didn’t know anyone who was EITHER of those things. You weren’t going to be an asshole about it of course, it just felt like you were out of place. 

You’ve been thinking a lot about Jake, and his relationship with Dirk. Dirk has tried to talk to you since then, yet you found it difficult to keep up a conversation with him, due to him reminding you of Jake, and you not wanting to deal with that. You, at first, accepted this fate. However, right now? You’ve decided that you’re not going to let yourself slip away from all of your childhood friends. These are the people you *grew up* with, you’re not going to let romance drama get in the way of your relationships. So, you decided to message Dirk on Pesterchum. Haven’t done that in awhile.

\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] --

GG: Hello! :B

GG: How have things been for you recently?

TT: Long time no see.

TT: Of course I’m happy to see you, but it’s been a damn while.

TT: Anyway, they’ve been dope. Been chillin’ with Jake.

TT: Though it’s still weird learning to adapt to a normal lifestyle after everything.

TT: Was anyone going to tell me that soda has bubbles in it or was I supposed to learn that by myself?

TT: Shit got flat after a few centuries, I assume.

TT: Could’ve saved me the fuckin’ embarrassment of choking on my first can of carbonated soda though.

TT: That shit hurted. Thought I was dying.

TT: Anyway, that was a lot. What about you?

GG: Pfft.

GG: They’ve been fine! I haven’t really been doing much, but they’ve been fine!

GG: I just wanted to catch up with you, because I know we haven’t talked in awhile.

TT: Fair.

TT: Well I don’t have much else to talk about, so fire away if you have anything in mind.

GG: Hm.

GG: Well, how are things going with you and Jake?

GG: You’re still dating, right?

TT: Yeah. Things have been good.

TT: Let me fuckin’ tell you this shit has been a lot less strained than our previous relationship.

TT: Thank god for the internet coming up with new terms for shit.

TT: Usually I’m not much of a labels guy, but I think figuring out I’m aromantic helped me a lot.

TT: Like, now Jake and I can just be queer platonic partners.

TT: It makes it a lot easier to handle, also much easier to communicate shit.

GG: Yeah, I’d assume so! 

GG: What about Jake though? How do you think he’s handling all of this?

TT: He seems happy as fuckin’ ever dude. He seems to enjoy a much less pressure-enducing relationship as well.

GG: I see!

GG: I’m glad things are going well for you two then!

TT: Yeah.

TT: Oh yeah, by the way, have you been talking to Roxy?

TT: Actually, that’s a stupid question in retrospect. 

TT: I think she misses you.

GG: She does?

TT: Yeah dude. 

GG: Well then.

GG: That’s not a bad thing, just surprising!

TT: How is that surprising? She’s your fuckin’ childhood friend.

TT: Didn’t you two used to be really close?

GG: I guess! I just, I dunno! I assumed she’d be too preoccupied with Callie.

TT: I guess that’s fair?

TT: But in that case you should talk to her.

GG: Probably.

You then opened up a new conversation in Pesterchum, keeping your previous one with Dirk open. You were going to message Roxy, as you had definitely missed her too.

\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

GG: Hey! Sorry we haven’t talked in so long!

TG: janey!!!

TG: its no prob but ive MISSED u girl

GG: So I’ve heard!

TG: whats got you so busy!!

GG: Not much!

GG: I’ve been baking, watching TV, reading, just about anything to keep myself occupied. 

GG: Being honest, I’ve even been a little bored?

TG: then what was stopping u from msging me

TG: bc u KNOW you can any time

GG: I don’t know! :B

TG: janeeyyyy

TG: ive rly missed u 

TG: and bein honest ive kinda been worried too?

TG: bc from what i know u havent really been talking 2 anyone

GG: I guess so!

TG: so tell me

TG: whats rly been stoppin u bc something smells kinda fishy here

GG: Well I guess if I HAVE to say it.

TG: cmon spill those beans!!!

GG: How do I say this.

GG: I guess I just assumed you’d rather the company of other people!

GG: Like, you’ve got Callie now and everything.

GG: EVERYONE has someone else!

TG: omg no

TG: ur like my bff 4 ever!!

TG: i LOVE talking to u

TG: and callies been wonderin where u r are as well

GG: Aw, shucks!

TG: hey 

TG: maybe if u feel like it 

TG: we can all go on a date together ;)

GG: Uh.

TG: oh dw itll be platonic!

TG: between u and us at least

TG: u know to catch up

GG: Oh! Well that’s fair.

GG: I’ll keep that in mind then!

TG: u BETTER bc i think itll be rly fun to see u again

GG: Yeah.

GG: Hey, mind if I talk about something else on my mind?

TG: not at all!!

GG: Well then, I guess I’ve been thinking a lot about Jake as well.

TG: u havent gotten over that yet?

GG: I know, I’m confused as well!

TG: man what abt him even has u all hooked on him

TG: dont think uve ever talked abt that b4

GG: Well, I think he’s nice.

GG: He’s always been really nice to me!

GG: And he’s really sweet, too!

TG: hmmm

TG: u realize u only really mentioned him being nice n sweet rite

TG: is that rly it

GG: Nope! Of course not!

GG: I also like his smile, it’s so goofy with his bucked teeth!

TG: dont u have bucked teeth too

GG: Yes, and?

TG: fair

TG: anyway u havent really said that much here

TG: and i dont wanna make assumptions or anything

TG: but are u like

TG: ACTUALLY attracted to jake

TG: or do u just think u have to be

GG: Why wouldn’t I be?

TG: given u were initially confused when i told u jake was dating a guy

TG: like the first time i mean 

TG: would it be fair to say u mightve not known not being attracted to guys was an option?

GG: Why are you even asking me this?

TG: just tryin to help u 

TG: initially i was just curious abt what it was abt him u liked

TG: u know trying to start conversation

TG: but u barely said anything!!

GG: I guess so!

TG: so 

TG: obviously u dont need to come to any conclusions rite away

TG: just u know

TG: somethin to think abt

TG: and ill be here if u have any questions

TG: bc as ur local bi gal i should have all the answers

GG: Yeah.

GG: Sorry, this is a lot to take in!

TG: dw abt it!! i get u

TG: just give urself some time to think!

GG: Yeah, I guess I’ll do that then!

GG: But before that I do have one question.

TG: go ahead!!!

GG: How would I know that I’m not just faking it?

GG: I mean, doesn’t it seem kind of suspicious that the moment I feel left out I start questioning my sexuality?

TG: not rly

TG: ur also leaving out a lot of the context there

TG: i promise u ur fine

TG: do what feels right u know!! dont force anything

TG: and its ok if that turns out to b wrong

GG: That’s fair enough!

GG: Thank you, by the way!

TG: no prob

\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

Man, that was a lot, huh. Being honest, it’s kind of overwhelming, but you guess that you had a lot of time to think it over.

You try to figure out why you ever got so attached to Jake in the first place. You guess that you really just liked how kind to you he was. He made you happy. But you also guess that that isn’t inherently any sort of attraction, you just really liked being around him, and you also probably wanted someone who could call you theirs. You wanted to feel wanted.

You try to think if there’s ever been anyone you *have* been attracted to, other than Jake. You definitely haven’t been attracted to Dirk, nor can you think of any other guys that you have been attracted to. Then, you remind yourself that liking someone who isn’t a guy is an option, as you had forgotten despite being told that just a bit ago by Roxy.

You try to think of any *girls* you have liked, however this just gets frustrating for you. Your mind keeps going back to Roxy, but you feel like that might just be you trying to insert yourself into her life out of desperation, which feels especially wrong to you because you know she already has a partner. You keep thinking, though, and after stewing on it for a couple of hours, it does become undeniable, it just fucking hits you in the face. You’ve had a huge ass crush on Roxy for YEARS.

You had known before this point that you really liked Roxy’s company, and that she made you feel really happy, and that you thought she was super cute, and that you constantly think about how soft she felt when you’ve hugged her (platonically), and generally just think about being intimate like that with her a lot... Now that you think about it, it should’ve been way more obvious. But yeah, despite knowing this, it had never exactly clicked in your head. You had convinced yourself that this was entirely platonic, but now, in retrospect, it couldn’t be.

But now you’re just not sure what to do with this information, because Roxy’s taken as well, so really you just got nowhere with this. You try to think if you’ve ever felt attraction towards any other girls before, yet you can’t think of even one. Even after giving it a couple of days, your mind just keeps falling back onto Roxy. This gets frustrating as well, because only having one (1) crush over the course of 17 years barely even makes any sense.

You decide to go back to Roxy, as she said she was willing to answer any questions you had, however you weren’t going to tell her just yet, if at all, that your crush was on her. You don’t want to guilt her into doing anything she wouldn’t want to do.

\-- gustyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] --

GG: Hey Roxy! 

GG: I have a few questions for you.

TG: im listenin

GG: What am I supposed to do if the only person I can think of that I’ve been genuinely attracted to is already taken?

GG: And adding onto that, is it... normal to only have one crush after 17 years?

TG: well janey it depends!

TG: whos ur crush

GG: I don’t know if I’m ready to say that quite yet!

TG: aw thats fine!

TG: but like

TG: assuming its not still jake

TG: do u know if theyre poly or not

TG: bc they could be down even if theyre taken if they are poly

GG: Uh... 

GG: Now that you mention it, I’m not sure!

GG: But I can’t just, ask them, right?

TG: hmm

TG: depends on the person

TG: do u think theyd respond well 2 it

GG: Maybe?

TG: well then id say itd be worth a shot

GG: I guess so!

GG: This seems like such specific advice, though.

TG: maybe so

TG: but i think u should ask

GG: Alright, fair enough!

GG: Well then, um. 

GG: Aw gee, now I’m getting nervous!

TG: cmon u can do it

TG: im sure itll go fine ;)

GG: Thanks.

GG: I guess then I’ll just say it!

GG: After thinking for awhile about it, Roxy, you’re the only person I can think of that I’ve had a crush on! So, are you poly then?

TG: haha aw

TG: i thought so ;) ;) ;)

TG: which is why i asked u to ask bc i AM poly

TG: and im gonna be real w u

TG: ive totally had a thing 4 u for years!

GG: Oh?

GG: Well golly, now I’m just flustered!

TG: ;)

GG: But now I’m also nervous!

GG: Is this really okay?

TG: why wouldnt it be!!!

TG: i literally just confessed my love for u

TG: and that im also poly

TG: callie is also perfectly aware im poly btw

TG: and i can go ask callie abt it just to make sure but im sure shell be fine with it!!!

GG: Wow, this is a lot... 

GG: Can we maybe try to go slow?

GG: I only just came to terms with maybe not being straight.

TG: aw

TG: yea sure thing

TG: but also to answer ur other question

TG: do u remember what jakes sexuality is

TG: or did u somehow manage to forget

GG: Oh. You mean demisexual?

TG: yea thats the bitch!!!

TG: u might be demi if youve only had one crush ever

GG: Maybe...

This gave you a lot to think about, but at least you’ve been given time to think about it. Time you really feel like you need, just to take everything in.

After a week or two, you finally feel comfortable enough to accept Roxy’s offer to enter a relationship with her, so Roxy would now be dating both you and Calliope. Roxy assured you that there would be no favourites, and that if you had any concerns, you could come straight to her and that she’d be completely honest with you, which you were comfortable with.

After a little bit longer, you finally settled on a label that you felt was accurate. You would be a demisexual lesbian. After getting a little more involved in all of this stuff, over time, you started to dress a little more butch, you started being a little more gender non-conforming. You were always more of a “tom-boy”, other people would call you, so it’s not even like this was much of a difference for you, you just started to indulge in it a little more. 

Indulging in this, however, also eventually led to you realizing that maybe you weren’t a binary girl. You would eventually settle on being nonbinary. Still a lesbian, of course, but incredibly butch, to the point where you feel like that affects your gender. 

So, it would turn out that you were neither cisgender OR heterosexual, and that even though figuring that all out was a gigantic mess, you’re grateful that you now have.


End file.
